Dear Beth

I didn't know you for very long, I wish I had more time to share with you, which I'm sure is a feeling other people who knew you share with me.

Today I learned about your passing and felt deeply sad. I went for a run in the forest, knowing it would lift my spirit, and as I was following my usual route I saw that a pine tree had fallen and was blocking the way. Its trunk wasn't thick which made me think about how young it must have been and inevitably I thought of you. My heart sank.

I went around the fallen tree and continued my run, this time looking straight down. That is how I noticed just how many dry leaves were covering the forest floor. It has been an unusually cold and wet spring season in Austria and it is only since last weekend that the weather has turned. The reward for endless rainy days is that now, as the sun shines, the trees are full of the greenest and richest leaves, sheltering you from its sudden warmth, while dancing to the breeze. This again, made me think of you, but this time my heart lifted, because I could see now that just like the young fallen tree, these leaves covering the ground were not really gone and never would be. You see, at first glance it may seem that as time goes by, these "fallen things" gradually disappear, but in reality, the more invisible they become, just as gradually sadness dissipates giving way to something deeper, the fallen come back, and they expand. They become the roots, the trunks, the leaves of a new forest.

Young Beth. I can't say I am not devastated at the thought of you never fully reaching adulthood, at the thought of you never cooking for your own children, but I know this: you lived. You lived and that is a fact. You touched lives, you touched mine, and I will carry you with me, as I am sure many will. I will remember just how classy you were; I will remember your immense talent, and your equally large modesty. Most of all, I will remember your kindness. I will carry you with me. I will not forget.

Retorno

Tengo muchísimo tiempo de no escribir aquí, y más triste que eso es que, no he escrito (en general) en mucho, demasiado tiempo. 

Por qué? Porque he estado ocupada aprendiendo a ser mamá. Aprendiendo a amar verdaderamente incondicionalmente, a encontrar una fuente inexhaustable de paciencia, en crear un balance entre mi amor y cuidado a mi familia, y el amor y cuidado que me debo a mí misma. 

Hay días en que me siento tan feliz que quisiera gritar a todo pulmón que finalmente he comprobado que las decisiones que me han llevado a donde estoy hoy fueron las correctas, que los sacrificios y las ausencias están justificadas, que extraño a mi país, a mis papás, mis hermanos y hermana, mis sobrinos, mis primas y mi abuela un poco menos, que he dejado de velar a la Rocío que se quedó en Guatemala y no se mudó a Inglaterra conmigo...y luego hay días como los que he (sobre)vivido últimamente. 

El cansancio, la presión del trabajo, la soledad...la falta de atención, de abrazos, la inmensa responsabilidad, la falta de tiempo para reflexionar y pensar, tiempo de sólo ser... todo se va acumulando y de repente me encuentro en este lugar oscuro, pequeño y frío. 

Más que nunca dependo de mi esposo; necesito que me escuche, necesito que se interese en mí, necesito que me haga reír...y lo hace, lo hace mucho, pero él tiene sus propios retos, y me necesita a mí de vuelta. 

Aquí es donde se siente el enorme vacío que existe en mí, viviendo lejos de mi gente, y aunque él con razón me dice (me exige) que 'mi familia' ya no son mis padres y hermanos, sino él y mi hijo, dudo que sean mutuamente excluyentes o que incluso tenga sentido alguno crear una distinción.

Muchas veces me resisto de hablar de lo duro que es criar a una personita nueva e inocente, llena de posibilidades, la presión que te pones y te ponen sobre los hombros de hacerlo a la perfección, lo cansado que es en todos y cada uno de los niveles posibles: físicamente, emocionalmente, intelectualmente, espiritualmente...lo duro que es pasar de ser un individual relativamente egoísta y egocéntrico, a un individual con un dependiente; el tener una 'extensión' de ti mismo jugando por ahí, una personita que va a ser lo que tú le enseñes a ser pero que de igual manera puede resultar ser algo completamente diferente, una personita que merece toda tu atención pero que al mismo tiempo necesita que le des espacio y autonomía, quien necesita tu dedicación y tiempo, pero se beneficia de tu independencia y tu ejemplo. Son muchas cosas que balancear; cuando todo te indica que debes de entregarte a tu rol de madre, y al mismo tiempo te advierte que:

1. Tus hijos eventualmente partirán a hacer sus propias vidas, tal como tú partiste de casa de tus padres, y por eso necesitas continuar con tu propia vida;

2. La mejor receta para hijos felices son padres felices y no se puede ser feliz si se vive solamente por ellos;

3. Tener una carrera profesional es bueno para ti y para ellos, pero no te lo tomes demasiado en serio porque si lo haces te vas a poner demasiada presión y dejar de disfrutar la vida PERO no te lo tomes demasiado a la ligera porque si no siembras nunca vas a cosechar, mientras ves a tus amig@s escalar la escalera corporativa y tú cada vez tienes compañeros más y más jóvenes.

En fin, en cualquier momento va a llenarse de bulla mi casa de nuevo, y prefiero despedirme de quien sea que está leyendo este testimonio, en el silencio que hasta ahora disfruto, en uno de esos raros pero necesarios momentos de soledad que como padre te ayudan a seguir adelante.

Mi propio sol

Trivial la lluvia que incesante cae de los altos cielos,

si poseo al sol en mi interior.

Un sol propio que me ilumina, 

un sol que me calienta, 

un sol que me alimenta, y que me llena de vida. 

Tú eres el sol semillita nuestra. 

Irradia tu luz desde dentro mientras yo te espero aquí afuera

soñando con el sonido de tu risa, 

ansiando contemplar el brillo de tus ojos, 

deseando la dulzura de tus besos. 

Melbourne, Australia

I have wanted to go to Melbourne for quite some time. Last December I finally made it there.

We were in town for four days, just enough time to see that people there have figured it out: Melbourne is a beautiful, green city that thrives arts and culture, music and fashion. Melbourne is something like San Francisco meets Williamsburg. It's chill, yet vibrant. 

We were amazed by the abundant offer of tasty food (the produce there is to die for), exceptional coffee shops and surprisingly good Pinot Noir. The down side? Prices. Melbourne is, as the rest of Australia, notably expensive.  

Some of the best coffee shops we visited while in town are:

Market Lane - right by the entrance of Prahran market, it featured a selection of Guatemalan coffees when we were there (bonus points!). They roast their own beans and offer brewing classes and equipment as well as a killer espresso. 

Proud Mary - where the cool kids hangout. Most of the staff either have a tattoo, a cool haircut or a unique sense of fashion. You feel cool by association, just by walking in- and then there's the coffee and the food, the music and the drinks. Proud Mary is also a wholesale roaster distributing its coffee across Australia. 

Annoying Brother - owned by a young entrepreneur who is, like most Australians, very passionate about the coffee he drinks and in his case, the coffee he serves. Good food too. 

And this is where we got the tastiest food:

Ici - their menu is seasonal and purely inspired by fresh local produce. Yummy.

South of Johnson (SoJo) - good food and good coffee. A nice place to meet a friend for a catch-up or spend an afternoon reading a book on your own. 

Grub Food Van - great spot on both sunny and rainy days. It offers funky drinks and tasty food, and it has a "home away from home" feel that makes it perfect to chill out when you're just feeling lazy. 

Bowery to Williamsburg - hidden in the middle of busy down town Melbourne, this place offers a limited menu mostly composed of generous sandwiches. The coffee is good.

Most of the places listed above are for day-time eating. Our local friends told us that Melbourne is very much about going out for food during the day, and cooking dinner at home. It's a brunchy sort of city.

Eating and drinking aside, we took advantage of Melbourne's many blush parks, out of which we especially enjoyed the Carlton Gardens with its strong, climbable trees and happy people.  We also paid a visit to the Queen Victoria Market (yummmm...!), and then, for what was the trip's highlight for me, we went on a road trip to Sorrento and, wait for it...SWAM WITH DOLPHINS*

*Ok, as the captain of our boat put it, out of 100 trips out to sea maybe 1 time he won't find any dolphins. We were that 1 time. It was okay though, because we got to swim with seals! And I'm not talking about one or three...I'm talking several sets of ten either really young or really old male seals (we visited a male colony).

It was one of the most heart-stopping experiences of my life (that could also have something to do with the 10 degree water we were swimming in!). 

Seals are curious, clumsy-yet-gracious, strong-yet-cuddly and STINKY creatures I've ever interacted with. Just WOOOOOOOOOOW, it was absolutely fantastical. 

Melbourne gave me that feeling of comfort you get when you visit a place you know you will come back to. I'm looking forward to the next time.